Cliques & Boi’s

There are Cliques every where in society. There is nothing wrong with them because they’re going to happen naturally. As much as we all want to say “i will accept anyone who wants to be a part of this group”, the unfortunate truth is that someone in the group will eventually not like someone else. I find there are cliques even in the blogging world. What is the point of a blog if you cannot be yourself? You cannot be accepted for who you are. The point of a blog is not to gain friends or have someone say “youre right”. A blog is simply a place to let your thoughts and feelings flow. Sometimes these thoughts are inspired (good and bad) by other bloggers and sometimes they are not. However, I see hypocrisy everywhere lately and it really is pissing me off. My only thought is get off your high horse and accept that the world has not made you the queen of right and wrong. I enjoy reading blogs. I enjoy controversy. I love even more when bloggers interact with other bloggers they’ve met online like they actually KNOW the other person in the blog. You dont know this person at all, you just THINK you do. All you know is what they present to the blog or in chat. I know this isnt true of everyone. I just think there is only so much that can be accurately portrayed through a blog. A lot of times you find the blog is actually based on total fiction and unless thats stated in the blog, you can even feel a be betrayed for caring about that person.

As for my blog, the reason its boring is because my life is indeed a bit dull. I’m one of those individuals who doesnt like to “rock the boat”. I rarely start controversial conversations or come up with witty thoughts. I’m your average American plane jane. I wont say I’m not special because I am in my own way. The people who are incredibly close to me discover a side that is rarely shown. I like it that way. The rest of the world gets a rather jaded view of what I want to show.

Recently there have been some new developments here. I am beginning a more intimate relationship with a wonderful person (J). Someone I never honestly expected to be attracted to. As I told Sir, it is simply because they are not my “type”. This person has a difficult journey in their life because they were born a woman but have always felt that they were a man. I’ve never been attracted to someone in this situation. J wants to be refered to as a “He” so, dont get confused lol. Currently I would describe J’s looks to be that of a tomboy. Its not even his physical body that I’m attracted to as much as his energy. Its just something about him that draws me to him. Maybe its the way we dance together at Karaoke, Or the way he wants to really understand me. His first words to me were “You have the most gorgeous eyes I’ve ever seen”. Even then (2 months ago), I thought “is that a come-on?” I dont think I’ve ever been really blatantly hit on. That is possibly because I’ve been with Sir for 10 years and I just dont remember. Anyway, Sir and I went on a date with J. Sir wanted to get to know J and J wanted Sir to feel comfortable when we were alone. It was fun!! I love that J is so into me. Its also very nice how this has just come together so easily. Sir has really just been like “go for it”. I think Sir is also excited because J’s best friend (a hot little number we’ll call A) is also very interested in him. So he might have an interesting new relationship developing as well.

J and I have a date on Tuesday and I’m very excited to spend some time with him and get to know him. There is a wonderful connection there and I cant wait to explore it. J is also attracted to Sir but, Sir and I havent really discussed that side of things. I dont know how Sir feels about being with a boi. I guess that will be a topic for another day!

Finding Freedom

Candy Mood: Rock Candy!!

I’ve found a strange sense of freedom that i havent had in a long time. Oddly enough this is because I am busy. I’m too busy to blog. I’m too busy to worry. I’m too busy to even keep the house clean most days! Ok so Sir is not happy that I’m too busy to clean but, I’m working on that one, LOL. I enjoy blogging and I will when I can honestly sit down and get my feelings and thoughts out. Right now when I’ve got the time to blog I’m too damn tired. Between work, kids, school, friends, munches, family obligations and going to the dungeon…life is insane. Its great, I love it. I used to to be attached to my computer. In fact, I rarely left the house without it. I used to be almost to the level of paranoia about needing to be in constant contact with the online world. This wasnt just because of chatting (which I do miss sometimes) but mainly emails and whatever might arise. Most of my friends are in shock that my laptop hasnt see the outside of my home in almost a month. Honestly, I wasnt living my life like I should have been. I was scared and I was hiding online. Thats a story for another day. There is pain online for me, people that I wish I was still in contact with but I know its best that I’m not. Its best for them and for me and for Sir. Its tempting at times to re-establish that communication. Some people are just plain TOXIC. They’re addicting but they’re toxic. I need to stay away from them. They might not be toxic to everyone but they are toxic to me. I’m learning to embrace real life again. Though it scares me to do this because I’ve been so hurt by so many in my circle. Its a risk you take. If you hide from life, from people, you miss out on life’s joys and pleasures. Hiding means you also escape the pain that can often come your way. You cannot have one without the other. I’m tired of being their victim, I’m tired of letting them win. I dont just mean “them” the people that hurt me, but also “them” the demons their hurt created within me. The demons that kept me from connecting to everyday life. I know the only way to make the demons go away is to take the power away from them. I wont let my fears and paranoia keep me from everything I love. They’ve sucked enough time and love and people from me. Its time to take my life back.

My posts may be sporadic but I will continue to post when I have time.

Now if only my Sir would stop working so damn much so he could use me properly! LOL…

Details to follow 😉

Fresh Meat…

Candy Craving… Suckers 🙂

The play party was last night. It was a very small gathering… 15-20 people. I felt very shy at first, I didnt know many of these people. A few people have commented at munches, dungeon, etc that I’ve been “off” in my mood. In truth, I’m not feeling off. I actually feel very serene with my life. I think the biggest difference is I just dont fell like talking much. I’m dont have that very “bubbly” additive to my personality. I’m in a very voyeuristic mood, just watching those around me. The same was said last night at the party. I was glad my GF came but, she and i seem to be “off” at the moment. I guess its because we are at such different places in our lives. I talked with Sir last night about the situation. I see how people are reacting to meeting her and their physical reactions. She is pretty, and shes recently lost a ton of weight (due to surgery). I definitely think shes more confident with her body now! Its interesting how people react to “Fresh Meat”. LOL. It is quite literally what she is. Everyone had an eye on her. It didnt hurt that her husband wasnt there, so she was a bit of the odd man out as well. Of course we snuggled with her and such so she wasnt lonely. But she had MANY Offers to play last night which was very interesting. I remember when I was “fresh meat”… it was like watching my experience happen all over again. I just hope she doesnt make the same mistakes i did. I ADORED the attention…lets be honest, who doesnt? At the time I was MUCH younger…and very very new. I had no idea what to expect or feel or even how to act. Most anyone will tell you now that I definitely had a hard case of sub-frenzy. Anyway, I just hope she makes wise choices.

I wasnt in a playful mood unfortunately. I was feeling rather horny though :). As I watched and listened, I got hornier. I think we were the only people who didnt play in some way or fashion. Sir is NOT a public player by any means but, he’ll often let me play if I want. I did get asked if I wanted to play by the host but, it got forgotten after He took a break and we began to watch a very intense spanking. I swear that girls butt was BLACK. Her Dom broke 2 toys over her butt. That was very intense to me in sound but i know it often sounds worse than it feels. I definitely cringed a couple times and I also realized that I would have to be bound for a spanking of that intensity. I dont know if i could even maintain mental bondage, i like to pull and struggle too much.

The birthday girl was a human platter for her brownie cake. We lathered her up with cream cheese icing and took the brownies and laid them out all over her breasts and stomach and a bit farther down ;). Of course we had to spell out happy birthday with the sugar lettering as well! The host had a wonderful time playing with her too while we decorated. She was so ticklish and just would not stay still!! So he’d give her legs a good smack every time she moved LOL. Lastly, we couldnt forget the candles! So a little wax play was thrown in with some candles being set in the icing as well. Have you ever tried to blow out your birthday candles when they’re on your stomach and you’re laying down? That was sooooo funny!! We called mercy after they started melting the icing and all the brownies were falling off. Then we had a WONDERFUL time licking the brownies off her..hehe! Oh and her spanking later was done in DOG years! That was great!

All in all it was a fantastic time. I wish I had felt a bit more bubbly. I was rather shy and quiet for much of the evening. I just didnt feel like I had much to say honestly. There were plenty of conversations, I just didnt feel like I had anything to contribute. I definitely loved being able to watch everyone. I just hope that the hosts werent upset or disappointed that we didnt play. I guess we’ll see if it gets mentioned later or if they have another party. Sometimes you’re just not in the right frame of mind. I do that Sir will be in the mood to have a light scene later today. I would love a spanking :). I also think that for once I have no interest in playing with anyone but Sir. I dont really even want to be touched by anyone but him right now… even the people i normally snuggle up with! Maybe its just hormones, its certainly not in my norm thats for sure.

Slower week is approaching so that will give me time to blog about some things that have been on my mind. I’m only working two days this week. I’ve got some chores I want to get done and I’m going to enjoy spending the day with my mom this week. Life is getting a nice rhythm to it. I feel blessed. I’m getting healthier as well. I’ve definitely lost a size, and this week I’m tackling the biggest issues…my diet. Usually exercise is my biggest issue but this time exercise as come easy for me. I think because I’ve been able to relate to it as socializing with my gf or my mom. I’m having a harder time dropping the soda’s, the candy, and the carbs. I’m never going to totally drop my sweets because i always need a bite of something sweet…but, cutting back is good. The biggest area is soda and starchy foods for me. I’m excited that people are starting to be able to notice the weight loss. Sir has noticed, the party hosts noticed, and my mom noticed!! Encouragement really keeps me going!

Tuesday Mobile Update…

I need to make my blogging more of a priority! I think its important for Sir to be able to see more inside my thoughts on a regular basis. I think it might even help our communication because we’re having less misunderstandings. Lol, even though lately I haven’t been blogging much. I’m just lazy! I have not even logged into my pc in 3 days. I think the record is a week. So yes…thank you blackberry for my mobile blogging & full keypad!!

Things are going smoothly lately, I think. Sir would probably like me to spend a little less money. I’ve gotten on a little spending spree lately but, it feels like I haven’t be able to pamper myself in a long time. Don’t get me wrong…I am spoiled in general but I used to try very hard to stick with necessary items with one exception which is books. Lately I’ve been doing lunch with my girlfriends, buying fetish gear, going to movies (like 2 a week)…etc. I was even thinking how i’d love to get a mani/pedi/wax & haircut before the play party this weekend! That’s when I realized…wow, I never used to even put those on my list! I mean I love those things but I rarely indulge in them. Sir doesn’t spend a lot of money on himself or in general and sometimes I feel like a brat that I spending on myself. However, being a girl is a lot more grooming than being a male…I think. At least it is in our case! And it seems like sometimes I just need a day of girlie stuff. I guess maybe we should discuss if these extra activities like movies and lunches are bothering Sir. I don’t want money to become a point of resentment on his end. He works his ass off. I try to let him know how much I appreciate it but, I don’t know if he realizes how geniune I mean it. It makes me very sad when he’s tired, over-worked and very under appreciated at work. Sometimes I wish he’d tell me what exactly what I can do for him that makes him just sigh in relief when he gets home. I try to have dinner ready and at least a semi-clean house. I just wish I could do more! I wish he liked massages or hot baths or things that would let me pamper him! Oh well…

Valentines was good. He got me bondage rope!! I hope we get to use it soon!! I would love some bondage hair braiding for the party Saturday. Yes, we are invited to a private play party. Its a rather small group actually! We haven’t been to one in a few years, mainly because we weren’t active in the community then. The last few we went to were fairly large. I think this one might have 20 ppl. I’m very nervous actually as I don’t think we know many people going/invited. My gf is invited but she’s very new and seems too nervous to attend. I’m not really sure why that is. I mean I’m nervous but not the same way she is. She’s intimidated I think. But its really not much different than what we see at the clubs so I don’t understand her feelings. However, they are valid for her and I told her to do what she feels is right for her.

Lol getting a blister from mobile mini keypad…must stop for now! Will definitely update soon, especially after the party! I got some great new fetish thigh high tights! Wohoo!!

Good Karma…

Candy Mood: Sour Worms!

Well, karma must be good right now because I lost my job on Wed of last week and I managed to snag another job in exactly one week! In the end its going to be slightly less money but its MUCH closer to home (about 10/15 minutes away as opposed to 30-45) and the hours are great! I just wish it was Monday-Friday but, hey…take what you can get right now. As it is my schedule is going to be much closer to Sir’s on work days! I might end up leaving a little before him but most days I should be home just in time to start dinner for him!! Except on days me and my girls go walking! I’m so excited!!! WOW lots of exclamation points lol. Unfortunately this schedule (if the job works out) is only going to last about 8 months and then it will shift again. But since I’m going back to school I might need a different schedule at that time anyway. So this works for now. Its not the greatest money but its something. In this economy I feel like I got lucky to even find this, especially 10 miles from my home! I start tomorrow. Im a little wired in excitement right now and cant sleep which isnt good because I have to be at work in ohhhh 7 hours! EEEEP!!! However, I’ll wait for the laundry to finish hopefully and be at least tired enough to lay down. Lets just pray I dont oversleep!!! I actually have to be up at 4am! Goodness that is SUPER early! I’m so glad to be home by 3pm though and NO TRAFFIC!!!

I’m feeling very blessed at the moment!

Recap

CandyMood: Twix…mmmmmmmmmmmm!!

I’m going to try and recap the last week and a half but, I probably wont do it justice. I have this list in my head of certain points I want to make sure I cover lol. It has been a very up and down week+.

Two weekends ago at the Dungeon: That was some fun times!! It was Demo night so there were area’s set up for each demo. I swear there was about 200 people there! It was really interesting to get to feel and see different things. Sir is still really new to a lot of these toys. It was really great to see his reaction to all them. He seemed particularly interested in the electricity demo. We must have played with the wand and the attachments for an hour or two. Its really neat the idea’s people have to use homemade items for toys with that wand!! Some of them were pretty intense and some were just like being tickled. I think what I enjoyed most about the wand was the acupuncture needles, using the wand on the needles. That was pretty awesome!! Though I did also enjoy the chains with the wand. It was pretty intense to feel the chains being pulled around my breasts with the electrical current running. I would like to try the fire play a bit more as well.
The whip demo wasnt as much hands on for Sir as the rest. With the wand he could take it and use it while the instructor just gave tips and idea’s. The whips are more intense and require a trained hand. However, I’ve been at the end of a whip several times before this and was a little itchy to feel them again. Sir gave his approval to the Dom doing the demo and I got to get on the cross for a while and be a “demo dolly”. *sigh* I’m so glad Sir is interested in the whips! The Dom doing the whip demo is also one of the mentor’s in Sirs program! I know it will take a while before Sir is good at the whips but, I am still very excited for that!!
Those were the two we really focused in on. They had a flogging demo but Sir doesnt really have much interest in the floggers. They also had bondage, cbt, suspension and OH! the “robospanker”. That was fun, and wow does it pack a wallop! I think after 5 smacks on the automated spanking machine, I was ready to get off. LOL, I LOVE being spanked but, i really need a warm up for those kind of hits. My gf was there with us and she pretty much agreed with me on that. She and I seem to have a lot of similar interests which is good.
I’ll go ahead and fast forward to this past weekend at the club. I really was not expecting to go! Sir had his mentoring class all day and I just assumed he’d be too tired. He ended up giving me the option and I chose to go for a couple reasons. The two biggest reasons were because the demo was wax play! Also because my girlfriend wouldnt go without us and she really wanted to see the demo as well. It turned out to be an ok event. The Dom doing the demo was a bit frazzled do to some personal things, which happens! The “demo dolly” is a cutie and we get along really well and I enjoy their dynamic. After the demo was done he let us hop up and feel the wax…the differences between paraffin, soy and i forget the third. LOL!! I’m so bad at remembering names of things. Either way the soy is a mess to clean up and I much prefer the paraffin. He demonstrated a neat way to do a temporary branding with the wax, everyone seemed to really like that! He joked around a lot, especially with good ways to “fuck with the subs head”. It was a good time. For some reason it was particularly cold that night and no one wanted to really get naked and play. It ended up being more of a social night than anything else. I really liked the wax.

During the past two weekends I also saw two movies: Avatar and From Paris with Love. I was surprised how much I enjoyed Avatar. We saw it in 3D (my Dad and I). He was impressed with the graphics more than he thought he would. Dad’s not big into sci-fi so I was surprised he liked it at all, lol. From Paris with Love was good but also fairly typical in plot. The humor was very good though, and I love Travolta!!

I’ve been working really hard on being consistent with my exercising as well. I dont know how much weight I’ve lost because I dont have a scale. I do know that I’ve gone down almost 2 pant sizes! I say almost because the one size is a little tighter than I’d like but … hey! it fits! LOL that counts! I went shopping and splurged a little on some “spending money” that Sir lets me keep each week. I’d been saving up the past 2-3 weeks so, it was a fun time. I got some new panties and bra I really love! I think sexy lingerie is important. I know a lot of Doms are “no undies” but, it makes me feel confident to have on sexy underwear! Sir could care less which kinda sucks. I think he is more turned on when I wear a oversized t-shirt and nothing else than if I come out wearing a thong and hot bra or a corset. Oh well, I know He’s happy as long as I feel good! Thats important.

On a bad note, I lost my job :(. I’m still looking for another but, its probably going to take a bit to find another one. I’m also going to be starting classes up in a few months so I want to find a job thats going to work with that schedule as well. The economy sucks right now, so we’re doing the best we can. I just wish the people that hire me would budget their money a bit better!

I have another project thats pretty massive that I want to finish by April. I want to get the house de-cluttered and reorganized. We have two spare bedrooms with nothing but boxes of junk we havent seen in over a year! Its ridiculous! I want to get 90% of this stuff out, and set up those rooms as guest/office rooms. Then once that is complete I can set up working on reorganizing the house; doing the decor and arrangements of what we are keeping. Then I would LOVE to hire someone to come in and really scrub the floors and bathrooms LOL!! I really suck at bathrooms and I cannot clean the floors well because of my back. Its going to take a little at a time to get all this done. It really is a lot to do! I know Sir really wants a nice & neat house and I really want to give that to him. I know he’ll be so happy once I get the house looking up to the level he expects! It will also be much more manageable then to keep clean and organized. Its gotten out of control in the last year.

Alright… I think those are the main points Sir would want me to touch on. I’m going to try to be more consistent with posting again. Its just been an insane week or so! I love it! I love being busy, feeling tired and worn out! My insecurities are starting to rise again now that we’re out socializing. I guess I’ll go into those in my next post. Right now I’m exhausted and dying for a hot bath! YAY! Then I’ve got to start the cleaning project and job hunting mission! Wish me luck, I’m going to need it in this economy!

A subs responsibility…

Tristan asks… (You can read the full post on his blog.)

I think it’s odd that this discussion is about how a dom can become corupted. Does the sub have no responsibility to self protection? Does being a sub mean you become mute? Are subs not 50% of a D/s arrangement? Doesn’t that indicate that they have 50% of the responsibility to see that it works? Does entering into such a relationship mean you feel you are no longer able to complain (in person, at least) to the one you have chosen to obey? If subs are poor at setting boundaries and want the Dom to do it, can they really worry about where the line is? And if they do, should they not be expected to mention it?

I know that it’s hard for subs to say no. It’s their nature to not say no, but they can say that it was too unpleasant an experience and they should.

I might be taking this in a totally different direction than intended because I didnt read all of Kayla’s post. I know, I know…bad girl. I thought either way Tristans post made me think about this in a certain direction so, I might as well take that direction.

I think a sub does have a responsibility to self-protect. The sub needs to be a 50% part of the relationship and take responsibility for that. However, there appears to be a thin line in what is seen as “ok” for the submissive to complain and question and what is being “difficult” or “topping from the bottom”. I’ve seen quite a few situations where the submissive is taught that self-protection isnt needed. That she should trust in her Dominant to know when a line is being crossed. Of course in most of those cases, the Dominant is using this to his advantage. The submissive has lost her voice. It becomes more of a relationship based on abuse than D/s. But when does a submissive know when to speak up? I know often times its joked that the Dominant is always right, even when He/She is wrong. We all know this isnt true…everyone is wrong at some point. I also see this being taught in many online chat rooms, the sub does not question the Dominant. I know real time slaves/subs who do not question their Dom’s decisions and I think ” I dont know if I could do that. Does this mean I’m not submissive?”. I even have been told that I’m not a “real” submissive because I did question a Dominant. I overstepped my position they said. Sometimes, I really dont know what is real when it comes to D/s. I believe a good Dominant listens to his submissive’s fears and concerns and takes them into consideration. Its hard sometimes to know (at least for me) when to speak up and say “no” or “this makes me uncomfortable”. A lot of times this can be considered as “topping from the bottom.” I know that when you enter a relationship you discuss limits (hard and soft) as well as concerns. You negotiate as much as you can but, you cannot predict everything you’re going to come across or how they will make you feel. How does a Dominant decide when a submissive’s concerns are genuine and when she is just being fearful or topping from the bottom? Its very obvious with some submissives and with a relationship that has stood the test of time but, for submissives like myself who are rather new to the relationship aspect of D/s…when do we know? I’m a rather paranoid and fearful girl. I have irrational fears and I often need to be pushed/forced/coaxed into experiencing something the first time in order for it to sink in that its not going to be a bad experience. So for me, how do I know when to question? How does a Dominant know when to push and when to back off with me? I need to be pushed…in most cases afterwards I am glad for the experience and proved to myself that I like it. I am very grateful for Kayla and Tristan for diving into this topic. I think I’m going to bring these questions up to a few Dominant’s and submissives at the munch in the next few weeks. Though I wouldn’t mind if Tristan gave me his opinion on a few of the questions I asked. 😉

Quick Mobile Update

Just a quick update from my mobile phone for everyone! All is well. When I’m not busy I’m just too exhausted to even boot up my laptop. I will go into detail about our weekend at the club another time. It was fantastic! I got a sampling of everything…spanking, whipping, electric play (which I experienced personally) and I got to watch lots of bondage, suspension, flogging, and even cbt! Whew! It was fun and crazy!
As I said its just been super busy here. My average day: up at 5am, work 8am to 5:30pm, go walk from 6pm to 730pm and then home around 8 and in bed by 9pm! On the days I don’t walk, I’m usually at a munch or hanging out with friends. I haven’t even had time to play my facebook games in two weeks! I’m not quite used to being THIS busy! I love it though. Somehow I have to fit in cleaning time though… might have to reorganize my schedule more. Weekends are just as busy lately with visiting, projects and sometimes work or clubtime.
I hope to do a more detailed update soon! I need to hash out some thoughts and feelings. This weekend might change a few things that are going on. I’m not sure but cross your fingers that the change isn’t necessary!

Recovery

Yes, I got sick….but, I’m finally starting to feel better. I’m still no where near 100% . Sir and I had a rough night a few nights ago and it really made me think about how we can prejudge each others actions. We were both trying to sleep but because I was so sick I was having a hard time breathing. He kept waking me up and saying “roll over”. I could tell he was getting more and more frustrated cause I kept rolling back into the position that was making it soo hard for me to breathe. Finally he got up at 3am and went to the couch. I guess he just couldnt listen to it anymore. He wakes me up every morning when he leaves for work at “ungodly early” in the morning. Of course i kept waking up erratically because he wasnt in bed with me. So I heard the door close when he left for work. I was so upset at first. I felt like he was really angry at me. He always wakes me up, I walk him to the door, kiss him and he’s off. So all day I stewed about how he was rude or angry with me. I decided on my way home from work that I wasnt going to bring it up because I didnt want to have the argument. When I got home we, ate and watched tv for a while. Then he said “so are you feeling better?” and of course I said I was. Finally he said “you slept terrible last night.” So I said told him how i noticed he slept on the couch and then left without waking me up. He said “you sounded so bad that you just needed to rest while you could, I didnt want to deal with waking you up”. So all day I was angry and upset with him because He wanted me to rest. Assumptions have started so many fights between us. In reality, yes He was annoyed that he couldnt sleep but, he also really just wanted me to feel better. He wasnt even sure I was well enough to go to work that day but I did! I’m not the only one in our relationships who makes assumptions about what the other one is thinking. We’re both working on communication and trust and openness. I still feel closer than I have ever before with Sir. I worry that the newness is going to wear off or that we’re going to drift out of this learning phase but, I cant worry for bad things to happen. I just have to be happy and take it one step at a time.

Even though I was sick I doped myself up enough to go out to the club this past weekend. We just watched a few scenes, but it was absolutely worth it because of this one couple. They came visiting from another state to be the featured players. They were absolutely fantastic!! They have an amazing chemistry! Sir and I really enjoyed watching them. Once the night was done and we were on our way home, i started getting really frustrated. Between Sir being sick for almost 2 weeks and me being sick for almost a week….we’ve had no play time. We havent even had plain old vanilla sex much! Which is bound to happen when you’re sick but, the time build up is frustrating to me. I’m so ready for a weekend where we can both feel great and have some really great physical time together. Whether its really intense sex or spanking or anything. Lately I just feel like I really need his physical closeness and I want to connect to him more as a submissive. I think I’m finally on the mend (except for my busted eardrum). I know I have to be patient and let him feel ready to play and he’s still learning a lot. I dont want to push him for a big scene or anything. We used to do some OTK spankings though and we havent done one of those in a month or so. I think I’m scared to bring it up because I dont want him to feel pressured and yet, if he says no…I know I’m going to feel very hurt and sad. I’m not sure what to do.

Hot Chocolate

Candy Mood: Hot Chocolate!

I dont feel good. Its all Sir’s fault! Right now I dont feel good but, its not terrible. I’m just hoping it doesnt develop into what he had.

I had a terrible dream last night. Whats weird is I remember it like it just happened and its been plaguing me all day. I knew it was going to be stormy today. In fact, our walking got put on hold because of the weather so, it had been on my mind yesterday. I dreamed that the weather got really bad. Sir and I were at home but, it was a different house. All these tornado’s were swirling around our house. We were hiding in a hallway with mattresses and such and all the windows kept breaking. Things kept being thrown and slammed around the house, I remember just being terrified. I can still picture it quite vividly, 14 hours later. Sir woke me up and I just kinda tried to shake it off. I didnt tell him about it because he was running off to work. I was grateful I didnt have to work today!! Not just because of feeling sick, but because the dream really put me in a funk today.

Sir is cranky today which I hate. I hate when he’s in a bad mood because it rubs off on me. Whats worse is I feel like crap and he’s cranky. I get a little bitter when I’m cranky because I take care of him as much as I can. I pretty much do whatever whenever to make him feel at least a little less miserable when He’s sick or just BLAH. He was sick for at least a week. He finally feels better and I feel like crap! Im kinda waiting for him to like put forth some effort to make me feel better! When I’m sick all I want is to be loved and coddled. Its really irritating cause he just continues like nothings wrong. Is it wrong that I want the extra effort? I know tomorrow is gonna be bad because I have to work. I have no energy now, I know tomorrow im gonna be wore out with work. *sigh* I just get so frustrated because I dont want to get sick. I want to get things done this weekend. I’d wanted to clean the house today but, it took everything I had to go to the store and cook! I’m really looking forward to the next two weekends because we’ve got stuff going on! The cold is in my ears which is bad!! It makes me feel off balance which is even worse for me because I have balance problems without being sick! That makes it harder for me to drive, clean, juggle a baby…basically normal everyday things for me! Cross your fingers I get over this soon!!

I need some positive thoughts and vibes please!! I really cant start feeling down!